The past couple days I've had to focus all my time on my house. 

It was a disaster zone! 

Although I'm not a good house keeper... when my house is mess my mind is a mess. 

Literally. 

It makes my anxiety go through the roof. 

Sometimes I feel like I am never going to get it together. Like I'm never going to be able to keep my house clean. Keep up with the mess. Once it gets so "bad" I don't know where to start and I just feel so overwhelmed. Then I begin to feel like a failure. Worthless. I start questioning my abilities, my parenting  my everything... all because my house is a mess! 

When I start to clean, I start to clear my mind. 

It's just the surface of a bigger problem. 

I know I have an anxiety disorder.  

I know I can get depressed. 

I also know that I have low self esteem. I don't see myself the way others see me. 

I often don't feel good enough or up to par. 

Marriage and motherhood are no cupcake walk.. but majority of the time both are good. I know that. I can reality check myself. But more often then not I still doubt myself. Even when I know in the back of my mind that I'm a good mother. A good wife. A good person. 

There is that little voice that shoots me down.

When my house is a mess that little voice gets louder. 

I wish I had a solution to my lack of domestic abilities. I wish it was as simple as doing it.. doing better. 

I try. I fail. But I try again. 

I'm hoping to make a set schedule for cleaning and organizing that I can actually stick to. 

I'd love some tips if any one has them. 

Summer & homeschool

So, for the summer I'm going to attempt to stick to this schedule I found on pinterest for the girls. 

It's as follows:

Super Summer Schedule

Make Something Monday
Try a new recipe, craft, build something etc.

Take a Trip Tuesday
Movie, Museum, Hike, Park, Outing etc.

Wet & Wild Wednesday
Swimming, Water park, Splash Pad etc.

Thinking Thursday
Library, science experiments, research, learning websites etc.

Fresh and Fun Friday
Do one of the fun things we found on pinterest

It sounds like a ton of fun. Really for the kids. I doubt it's going to work out every week, but it's a great guideline to get outta this house or at least movin around the house!! This is something I would like to do and would like to stick too.. Maybe writing it down will help me stick with it? 

The new schedule will be keeping me pretty busy during the day.. but in the coming weeks I plan to start preschool for my 3 year old. If you don't know already, I'm homeschooling her. My approach is a mix between traditional and unschool. Which sounds ridiculous.. but that's the beauty of Homeschooling! I can do it however I so choose! I really like the idea of structure. I like work sheets. I like doing things at certain times of the day. I also like the idea of letting the girls pick their subjects. Allowing them to learn from life experiences.. Letting them learn about caterpillars and butterflies by observing the butterfly life cycle themselves. I want my kids to be able to learn how they want, when they want, and what they want to learn at the pace they  want to learn it. Not every child is meant to learn sitting at a desk for 12 hours and then coming home and filling out a bunch of home work sheets for another two hours. I want better for my children.

Yes, I may do book work. Yes, I will give direction. Yes, they will be graded on things.. progress tracked and noted. But if my kid wants to take a day, week, or month to learn about the solar system.. then we are learning about the solar system. I just really want them to have the freedom to learn how they need to.

So anyway, for preschool we will be working on our colors, numbers, and alphabet... Amoung other things. I really think preschool should be called life. If your interested you can actually download teacher guides and other helpful things for free. You can download content and skill guidelines for preschool-8th grade.
http://books.coreknowledge.org/home.php?cat=314

Give Credit where Credit is due: Rockin' Schedule http://www.remarkablehome.net/2012/06/super-summer-schedule-free-printable.html

Facebook pages for like minded homeschoolers/parents to check out:
Kicking it unschool
https://www.facebook.com/KickingItUnschool?fref=ts
Free your kids
https://www.facebook.com/freeyourkids?fref=ts

My Climb- The beginning

Tomorrow will be a year and a half since I made a post on my blog. :/ I'm a slacker. I guess that's part of who I am... I start things [very gunge-ho ish] and then I stop things. Sometimes faster then I can blink.

But... I'm back. I'm more determined then ever.Only time will tell what lasts.

So because I'm pretty sure no one reads my blog.. yet {gotta keep the positive going}, I'm going to use this post to start from the beginning.

I'm Nickole.
I'm a mom.
I'm a wife.
I'm a home maker (not the best).
I'm a homeschooler (near future).

I'm all those things that moms do (nurse, driver, entertainer etc.).

But I have no idea who I am if you take away my husband and my kids.
It's wonderful to be a wife and mother. Really it is.
But I have this longing to be more then that.
Who will I be when my kids are grown and gone?
What will I do if my husband ever leaves me?

I slightly agree with the statement "Life isn't about discovering yourself, it's making yourself".
But I cannot {and refuse to} abandon the idea that everyone was born to be someone. Do something.
Maybe I was born to be a mother and wife and nothing more or maybe I was meant for something great and just haven't found it yet. Your never to old to dream, wonder, or change. Your never to old to do something for yourself, go to school, or discover who you are and what your capable of.

I started this Blog two years ago and I still haven't done most of what I said and I thought I would do. I still haven't made enough changes to be where I want to be. In my defense, I have made a significant amount of changes to become a happier person, more content, more satisfied. I suffer from Anxiety and panic disorder. Two years ago it was bad enough that I'd hardly leave the house without my husband. I have good days and bad days, but the amount of growth I've had in such a short time {without being medicated even though doctors and my therapist said I needed to be}has amazed me and made me extremely proud of myself. To this day I have never medicated myself, which is something I felt strongly about. I should add, that I don't think there is anything wrong with getting help when you need it and taking  medication when you need to. It was just a personal goal to not take medication. Anyway, I've been through some life changing moments {more on those later} and I've changed a lot.. But I still want to change some more. In little and big ways.
I want to know my self and let go of the rest of my insecurities. I want to have an adventurous life and explore my world. I want to be my own person outside of those around me. Have my own identity. I want to feel like I'm an individual. I want to be free... Find freedom in that fact that I know who I am.

I'm challenging myself to get up off the couch, to make changes, to take risks, to do things outside of  my comfort zone, to think out side of the box... set goals and reach them. This blog is a record of me. A record of  my fails and successes. My journey... regardless of where it leads me. It would be awesome if this could reach someone else... if others were reading. But mostly I am doing this for myself. For my children. I'm not planning for this to be epic.. I'm just a plan jane.. but what if it was? What.If.it.WAS.